I like lists. I like to prepare them and I like to check things off of them. I sometimes add ‘make a list’ to my list just so I can have something to check off for that day. I like being organized and knowing exactly where something is. My kids…well, and Jason too, often joke about some of my quirks. I always park in the same row at a store. The same spot if it is available. I always drive through the parking lot in the same way. I always walk the main aisles of the store in the same way, even if I only need one thing and it is on the opposite side of the store. I break out in a sweat at the thought of being late for something. I like order and knowing what to expect.
While I crave deep relationships, I don’t actually enjoy one on one conversations because I feel socially awkward and don’t always know what to say. I used to be terrified, and actually almost feel sick at the thought of having to eat at a restaurant with just one other person. I still get the sick feeling, but I am overcoming the fear. I am embracing my social awkwardness and realizing it is a part of me and that maybe I’m not as awkward as I think. But, I love the times when I have Jason by my side because he is so much better at small talk and engaging people than I am. And I love small groups of friends getting to know each other. I am a work in progress and want to continue to be so. I don’t want to feel content. I want more.
Living in Thailand has been a perfect opportunity for me to continue growing. To continue wanting more. It has caused me to step out of my comfort zone and do things that make me uncomfortable. I try to speak the language, even though I make so many mistakes. If it were up to me I would wait until I could speak perfectly before attempting, but I know that is not practical. I need to make mistakes and learn from them. I need to be pushed and stretched. I need to trust God more.
I watch our kids play with the neighbors with so much ease, even though they can’t fully communicate because of the language. They do their best and have even come up with their own signals to communicate. I see so much bravery in them as they walk to the neighbors house and ring the bell for their friends to come out. I see the joy in their eyes when our little 2 year old neighbor walks right up to our front door and pokes his head in the door and smiles…wanting to play and just have fun. And out they run…barefoot and carefree. Trusting that they will have fun, even if they can’t have full conversations yet. Enjoying the journey and enjoying life. I want to be there again.
These past 2 years have been so rewarding, and also very challenging. We have seen the powerful love of God restore broken hearts and bring hope where there once was none. We have felt His love and seen His goodness. We have also walked through some situations that have caused us to grow, which is not always the most fun process. But, as we trust God and follow Him, we are seeing areas He is working and the progress we have made and we realize the pain isn’t always fun, but what He can do with that pain is worth it. We are better for it and stronger because of it.
As we started this year, we didn’t make any resolutions. We didn’t start any fad diets, or decide to drop anything. We didn’t do anything drastic. We did, however, decide to simply trust Him more. And we are realizing that is not always so simple. It requires us to step outside of the box we have created with Him and to step into areas that make us uncomfortable. To step into areas that will stretch us and have us do things we couldn’t do without Him.
If you have ever spent time around me in my home, you would know there is always worship music on. (very quietly if Jason is home and very loud if it is just me) I love to sing worship songs and every once in a while I find a song that just fits my season of life and I listen to it over and over. At the beginning of this year I found such a song. It has become my song for this year. It has become my prayer. It is scary and exciting. It is outside of my box and that is where I want to be.
As we pray and process the plans God has for us individually and as a family, we are often overwhelmed. We often feel unqualified and we feel in over our heads. But, like the song implies, I don’t think that is always a bad thing. Being in over our heads can be beautiful. I want more of Him. I don’t want to be satisfied. I don’t want to be content. I want to keep moving away from the shores into what He has for us.
I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that’s where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
~Jenn Johnson (Bethel Music) In Over my Head
As we look forward, we don’t fully know all the plans He has for us. We don’t know exactly what it looks like. We just know to trust Him. And so, as we continue on in our journey here and take steps further from the shore, we can feel the peace of Him surrounding us. As the waves continue to crash around us, we know that in order to get to where He wants us, we have to keep going. It will require trust. And total abandon. It will require us to stretch. And to tear down boxes. It will require us to let go and become beautifully in over our heads. And that’s exactly where I want to be.